There’s no distance these Conservative heroes won’t travel to serve … themselves | John Crace

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Just for 1 time nan predetermination run took a backmost spot arsenic nan country’s eyes turned towards bluish France wherever nan commemorations for nan D-day landings and nan Normandy run were taking place. A clip to retrieve some those who came backmost and those who didn’t.

No 1 came retired of nan warfare unscarred. My dada could ne'er speak of nan horrors he had witnessed, nor nan gallantry that won him a Distinguished Service Cross. Here were nan past survivors of nan warfare generation: astir of them 100 years aged aliases much who had fought for our freedoms. A state that galore now return for granted.

So, what amended clip to measurement backmost and honour a mates of Conservative heroes who person flooded likewise insuperable likelihood to go candidates successful this election? Men who person made nan eventual sacrifice for their party. Men who person laid down their friends for their lives. We will retrieve them.

Step guardant nan Conservative statement chair. Up until a fewer weeks agone Richard Holden had been nan MP for North West Durham. Luckily for him, his constituency sewage swallowed up successful nan bound changes. Otherwise he would person been forced to take sides a spot he was almost definite to suffer pinch only nan imaginable of a peerage to springiness him solace. So since then, Rich has been biding his time. Waiting for location reasonably safe to move up.

With conscionable 2 days earlier each candidates had to beryllium nominated, Rich turned up unexpectedly in Basildon and Billericay. Much to nan annoyance of nan section constituency relation who would overmuch alternatively person appointed personification who knew nan area. “Hi,” said Rich. “I’m sorry to opportunity that nan different 2 candidates that CCHQ person put guardant – Dicky Holding and Ricky Holdup – can’t make it tonight. So it looks for illustration you’ve been lumbered pinch me.”

At which constituent astir of nan Basildon and Billericay Tory relation near successful disgust. They wanted nary portion of immoderate stitch-up. That near nan association’s executive officer, Richard Moore, to spell done nan formalities of nan nomination.

“Right,” said Moore, reluctantly. “We mightiness arsenic good get this complete and done with. So why don’t you show maine a spot much astir your governmental career? Start astatine nan beginning.”

“Well, arsenic you astir apt cognize …” Rich smirked.

“I don’t. I couldn’t attraction little …”

“I started disconnected arsenic typical advisers to some Chris Grayling and Gavin Williamson.”

“Two of nan astir useless furniture ministers of each clip …”

“Yes. On my watch Chris handed complete a authorities statement to a ferry institution that didn’t person immoderate ferries and Gavin Williamson leaked apical concealed briefings from nan nationalist information council.”

Moore buried his caput successful his hands and started softly sobbing. Eventually he managed to propulsion himself together.

“And what astir your profession arsenic an MP?” he said.

Holden became animated erstwhile more. “I for illustration to deliberation of myself arsenic a go-getter,” he said. “An onslaught dog. The benignant of feline that gets things done. It was maine that led nan campaigns to get Keir Starmer done for Beergate and Angela Rayner convicted for taxation fraud.”

“Er … but nan group investigated some of these and recovered location was nary lawsuit to reply successful either of them.”

“Yeah but it caused a spot of trouble. That’s nan main thing.”

“So you’re nan benignant of man who likes to instigate damaging witch-hunts connected guiltless group for nary bully reason?”


At this constituent Moore paused and checked his notes.

“Tell maine astir your convictions,” he said.

“What convictions? Who told you I had convictions? The assemblage recovered maine not blameworthy of intersexual battle …”

“I meant convictions arsenic successful principles. What drives you?”

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“Oh I see,” said Rich, calming down a little. “I deliberation my biggest spot is my loyalty.”

“Quite. I retrieve you saying you would ever beryllium loyal to nan north-east.”

“And now it’s my move to beryllium loyal to nan south-east. We are successful nan south-east aren’t we? Had a hellhole of a clip trying to find my measurement here. Thing astir loyalty is it’s ever champion if it’s shared around. That’s nan Conservative way.”

“OK,” said Moore, changing nan subject. “In your domiciled arsenic statement chairman, it was your occupation to unafraid donations. Do you consciousness it was correct to return a further £5m disconnected Frank Hester? You don’t deliberation we should person handed it back?”

“Absolutely not,” said Rich. “We needed nan dosh. Besides, Frankie Boy is simply a thoroughly bully bloke contempt a spot of violent, misogynistic and racist language.”

Moore looked down astatine his database of questions. This was pointless. He mightiness arsenic good wrap it up.

“Are location immoderate questions you person for me?” he said.

“Just nan one. Is it safe?” replied Rich.

“Well, for illustration galore towns these days we person our problems. Some parts of nan centre I’d counsel against visiting connected a Saturday nighttime …”

“I’m not bothered astir crime,” Holden interrupted. “You won’t spot maine for particulate if I’m elected. What I wanted to cognize was whether this was a safe seat. I don’t want to discarded my clip connected a spot wherever I’m going to lose.”

Moore started tapping retired an email to CCHQ. Just this erstwhile Basildon would alternatively person nary Tory campaigner astatine all. “Too late,” came nan reply.

And now for nan 2nd honourable Tory. Step guardant Douglas Ross, leader of nan Scottish Conservatives successful Holyrood. Not truthful agelong ago, Wee Dougie announced he would beryllium opinionated down arsenic an MP, saying he wanted to walk much of his clip pinch his colleagues northbound of nan border. With conscionable 24 hours until nan nominations closed, Dougie had a alteration of mind. He now rather fancied nan caller spot of Aberdeenshire North and Moray East. A spot antecedently held by different Tory, David Duguid, who was astatine location recovering from spinal surgery.

“I don’t deliberation you’re good enough,” said Wee Dougie.

“I deliberation you’ll find I am,” Duguid replied.

‘Well tough. It’s mine. CCHQ person rubber stamped it. I request nan £85,000. You tin conscionable bugger off.”

Charming. In nan region a trumpeter played nan Last Post.

Source theguardian